"What If..."

What if I could dance. The scariest thing I have ever thought of, aside from losing the people I love in my life, is not being able to live out my dreams. One of the biggest dreams I have for as long as I can remember was that I wanted to be able to dance, and I wanted to do it well. I imagine myself on my high school stages, on picnic table at camp, in front of people who have judged me or before an audience with someone in it whom i was desperate to impress. When i listen to songs my mind wanders, especially in the car, about what my body and self image would look like if I could put on sweatpants and a t-shirt and dance my problems away. I am always taller, sexier, more impressive and graceful and majestic, higher than everyone else, working my way into their heads by saying "look, this is what she can do, don't I wish I could to that too?"

A lot of that is manipulated by society; dancers are skinnier, reasonably tall, and have unmatched grace and beauty. I'm not saying I want to be pencil thin or have a flat chest, but dancing is one thing I have always wanted and never gotten. Even when I wrote my college essay, saying how I danced in my own way because I choreographed other people, and how that makes me a dancer, that was a lie; the only thing that made me was self conscious, watching other people flaunt the one physical talent I have always wanted. I am not ok with teaching people how to move, how to look beautiful, because that is what I want for me, and each time I think about it I die a little more inside knowing it will never happen. I never danced at my school prom. I will never have a first dance at my wedding. I won't know the feeling of being sexy during a tango or a salsa or dancing in my underwear listening to music in my room. But all of those images flow into my dreams right before I fall asleep, and the last thought that goes through my head simply questions "what if...?"