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Sunday, October 20, 2013

"What If..."

What if I could dance. The scariest thing I have ever thought of, aside from losing the people I love in my life, is not being able to live out my dreams. One of the biggest dreams I have for as long as I can remember was that I wanted to be able to dance, and I wanted to do it well. I imagine myself on my high school stages, on picnic table at camp, in front of people who have judged me or before an audience with someone in it whom i was desperate to impress. When i listen to songs my mind wanders, especially in the car, about what my body and self image would look like if I could put on sweatpants and a t-shirt and dance my problems away. I am always taller, sexier, more impressive and graceful and majestic, higher than everyone else, working my way into their heads by saying "look, this is what she can do, don't I wish I could to that too?"

A lot of that is manipulated by society; dancers are skinnier, reasonably tall, and have unmatched grace and beauty. I'm not saying I want to be pencil thin or have a flat chest, but dancing is one thing I have always wanted and never gotten. Even when I wrote my college essay, saying how I danced in my own way because I choreographed other people, and how that makes me a dancer, that was a lie; the only thing that made me was self conscious, watching other people flaunt the one physical talent I have always wanted. I am not ok with teaching people how to move, how to look beautiful, because that is what I want for me, and each time I think about it I die a little more inside knowing it will never happen. I never danced at my school prom. I will never have a first dance at my wedding. I won't know the feeling of being sexy during a tango or a salsa or dancing in my underwear listening to music in my room. But all of those images flow into my dreams right before I fall asleep, and the last thought that goes through my head simply questions "what if...?"

1 comment:

  1. We all have those what if moments... it just depends on what you are going through in your life. And while you may never know the what ifs, its always fun to play out the dream in your head, and pretend like you are getting to do what you want to do. I know that the what ifs flood your mind and make it hard to escape, but isnt that a good thing. What if we didn't live in a world where there were any what ifs. If everything was perfect and you had all you wanted, what would be the fun in that. Dreams and aspirations are always a good thing. They keep your mind alive!

    I feel like your writing style in this was very conversational. That is a very good thing. I felt like you were sitting next to me telling me this in a friendly conversation.

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