Singing the Midterm Blues

It is the day before spring break; taxis drive in and out of campus, bags are piled on the curbside, students skip class to pack before their flight. And yet I am set apart from those moments. I do not feel a sense of relief as the day draws on; I congratulate people half halfheartedly as they lay out before me their sunny, proposed plans. Many are going south, like birds, flocking to parties or events with friends and family. Others are going home, back to the comfort they readily admit and the knowledge that it will be a week of sleep and attention. When I tell them I am staying here, most look at me in a mild awe and ask me how I can stay on campus. Won't I go crazy, with no one here? Why am I not going home?

I make a lame excuse about the weather and snow and say I'm working. Both, although weak responses, are true, and they move on to tell me what they plan to do on the beach or who they are most excited to see at home. I am jealous of them in a way I wish I didn't have to be. They don't have a fear of flying and they don't doubt that their parents can support them when they're back. They don't feel like they are being kept at bay, shipped off because its easier to pass the job onto someone else. They are leaving campus for a breath of fresh air, and I, even with the bribes and money, will still be breathing in the fact that I can't go home,can't leave the area, and won't see my parents till the school year is over. It is not something I would ever tell my parents, because both of them would deny it, saying I could have come home. It just wouldn't have been easy on them, and it's better if I stay at arms length. It's ok, I say, I get it. And I know how complicated it would be and I know how little I could do at home. But the fact that they will travel without me later this year and not give it a second thought is something I can't come to terms with. It's not a problem with money, it's not a question of time, but it is the "too much effort" for "too little results" and the fact that I make life complicated. So I'm staying on campus for the third week long break in a row and thinking maybe, just next year, they'll let me come too.

Happy Valentines Day!

This is a mini shout-out to all of my homies (I should have been a DJ) so that they know they are well loved and much appreciated, no matter where you live. Feel the love guys, let it set a fire in your soul and take over your heart at the most inappropriate times (like last night, when in stead of saying "I heart you" it came out as "I fart you"...thank you, you know who you are you smelly thing) so that it comes out a little messed up but people get the gist anyways. Peace, love, and eternal chocolate strawberries to all!

22 Of the Most Creative College Essay Questions- and I'm going to do them all

http://www.buzzfeed.com/krystieyandoli/most-creative-college-essay-questions-from-2013

I love all the gifs that go with these, and I am going to start writing out some of them. I have a couple ideas for some of the topics, but I'm a little unsure as to "what sets my heart on fire" (you do, of course, but what else?). It's creative, I liked it, and I'm going to write about it.

I am 19 going on 16

Dear 16 year old self,
I could never say with utmost certainty that life, in its entirety, get better. Because truthfully, I don't know. What I do know is that from then to now, it might get bad, but it doesn't get worse.  You will have ups and downs just like a cardiac monitor, but in the end your baseline will still be the same, and it will tell you that life just keeps on living.
Just in case you need more reassurance, here are a few things you should know.

• The pain will go away. The aching in your back and chest and calfs will ebb and go away as you stop growing and your body stops changing. Birth control and plastic surgery will help with the pain in your chest. Even you neck pain will fade. Try massage therapy.
• You will get over him. You will stop being scared in the middle of the night and stop wishing you were dead or hidden and sooner or later you will realize that it was a growing experience, a hard trial that you should not be ashamed of, because no matter what you've been told, you had little control over it, and they should have told you up front the dangers of playing with fire. If they did, then they should have told you differently, because no teenager wants to be told no unless they don't realize that that's what's being said. You are stronger now, smarter and more willing to listen to advice (if equally as stubborn) and it will never leave you but that can be good, eventually.
• Don't be afraid of who you are. Stop fighting what you know in your heart might be true because those people to whom it matters most won't care. No, I don't mean mom and dad, but your sister and future friends will accept your choices to be who you are, and sooner or later (it's still later at this point) mom and dad will grow into the idea. That just means that you have to, first. 
• You will find best friends. You will find people who love you and care for you, who know your quirks and peeves and appreciate you just the same. Some might make you crazy and some might leave for a time, but know sooner or later you will find people who make you feel like you
• Listen to people when they tell you to exercise. I know it's cold but you'll venture south eventually, and until then ride a bike outside. 
• Read more. You will find books that take you away from the world, but unlike TV when you pull your head up for air you will feel better about yourself and the world around you, and life won't seem so bad.
• Never talk about anything mildly serious after nine pm. Trust me, it never does any good. 
• Forgive people. Don't forget what they've done or sweep in under the rug, but acknowledge that it was a mistake, or it was done with the best intentions (hopefully) and that because they are human they, as well as yourself, are not perfect. Breath, and learn to let it go, as much as you can. 
• Don't try and force it with her. You will fight and not get anywhere, scream and never be heard, cry until you can cry no more but she will never fully understand. She will love you and care for you and try and be there for you but ultimately you are two very different people. As soon as you realize that, life with her will get better. Try writing down what you are feeling, she is more visual and does better with lists. Love her, don't let her out of your life, but remember that not every movie is Freaky Friday. 
•  

That's all the advice I can give you, because other than that I might change time, but hey, at least you know the gist of what happens, right?

Five People Who Should Show Up At My Door

Sometimes, right before I fall asleep, I imagine that someone's just knocked on the door, and I picture, in my mind's eye, who and why that could be. Every time except one I've imagined it (thank you, random drunk guy, for breaking my heart that night), but what if I didnt, who would be on the other side.

5. I've been friends with Dylan for almost six years now, since the summer of 2009, and yet I've only spent a collective two weeks with  him. It's strange really, but I feel like the more I get to know him via Skype, phone calls, texts and IM, the more I feel like I'm missing out on a really great tactile friendship. No matter how many times I've tried getting down there in the last two years, either I don't have the money or the time or even just a ride to the airport (the taxi cab would have thrown the whole equation off), and sooner or later I feel I'm going to miss my window of being young and spontaneous and a little bit stupid.

4. Hannah Smith, in no way is your place at number four any reflection on your personality or our relationship. In fact, if you are reading this right now, remember to write me a letter, then check your mailbox, in that order. You remind me of summer and christmas at the same time, and I would love it if you were to apparate outside my door. You are four on this list because well, I've seen you this month. And I still have a lasting impression of what we did this christmas, and all the delicious things we made appear.

3. Hi Lilly. I miss you. I have this fantastic idea that you will bring me stories and presents and make beehives with me this summer, and yet I can't be too patient, after all this is me, and sometimes I imagine waking up on Tuesdays and nearly fainting with excitement to tell you what day it is, but it's not you. I want you to show up at my door in your amazing, memorable outfits that honestly I can't get over (I love them so much) and be incredibly excited its Tuesday and there are people to be seen and mayhems to be had.

2. This one, I'm a bit hesitant about. Sam if you showed up at my door, I'd have most of my mind to never let go and the other part to punch you. But mostly, I'd be happy you remember where I lived or where I went to school or took the time to find out, and come. It's one of my more fantastic hopes and dreams...

1. Behind door number one we have the traveler who not only guessed the list but also put them in order. Rarely have I been so impressed at mind-reading. Showing up outside my door would mean what, I don't know, but somehow I still imagine you flying back for the goodbye I feel you deserved and I didn't give you. I wanted to make you cake. Anyways, Alicia Miller, July 17th is too long, so at least show up at my virtual door and skype me. 

I want the surprise of a lifetime, someone who loves me enough to show up at my door with no warning and no planning, knowing that because of who we are and how our relationship works I will invite them in and make the bed for however many nights they may want or need it. This is not to say I want someone to murder someone else and need a safe house while I harbor a fugitive, but I would for the right person and hey it makes a great story.

Something You Are Proud Of

She is taller than me, stronger than me, more flexible than me. 

She is smart and funny and warm at heart.

There is nothing you can say that brings her down, 

because nothing you do will tarnish her opinion of herself 

or the way she thinks of her self image, and if you try 

there is an army of love an support that surrounds her. 

She is soft and warm and does thoughtful things for 

unsuspecting people that do not deserve such kindness. 

And yes, she is stubborn, but I taught her that, 

and more and more I see that stubbornness 

turning into determination, and those things she fears 

turn from trepidation into maturation 

as she challenges the world to a litigation. 

She will argue life until she is blue in the face, 

but eventually life will give up and she will raise her head high and smile, 

because she knows what if feels like to win, 

because she was coached on how to lose gracefully, eventually. 

I taught her many things, but never in a million years 

do I think I do a good job, nor can I claim credit 

for the qualities I admire in her, displayed or kept hidden. 

She is gentle and supportive and she smells familiar, 

like something I can't place but I know I've liked before. 

"Home is wherever I'm with you"

and there is nothing I like more than her and I together,

content with the fact we have nothing to hide

but the fact we enjoy each other's company more than we care to say. 

Word of the Day: Snarky

she walks with steps as if she wished to shake the ground; her voice was bossy, and lacked any sentiment of care or feeling, as if she were a robot with a southern twang. There was nothing she had done to personally offend me, and yet there is no feeling like an instinct where you know this person could not sympathize or empathize or compromise with you; essentially, you have nothing in common and opposites will never attract in this case; so give up. She wears purple like it will keep her alive and heels like their's a height requirement in the field she's in; god I hope not because in that case I've failed already. She gives you a reason to believe she hides a snarky personality behind professional walls, leaving it exposed when you don't have the answer she's looking for. Don't subject yourself to vulnerability, stand up to her and fight for what you've done. Admitting your mistakes is just one step in the direction of being a better person; at least you can say you're trying when the day is done, and you've taught yourself a lesson.