Singing the Midterm Blues

It is the day before spring break; taxis drive in and out of campus, bags are piled on the curbside, students skip class to pack before their flight. And yet I am set apart from those moments. I do not feel a sense of relief as the day draws on; I congratulate people half halfheartedly as they lay out before me their sunny, proposed plans. Many are going south, like birds, flocking to parties or events with friends and family. Others are going home, back to the comfort they readily admit and the knowledge that it will be a week of sleep and attention. When I tell them I am staying here, most look at me in a mild awe and ask me how I can stay on campus. Won't I go crazy, with no one here? Why am I not going home?

I make a lame excuse about the weather and snow and say I'm working. Both, although weak responses, are true, and they move on to tell me what they plan to do on the beach or who they are most excited to see at home. I am jealous of them in a way I wish I didn't have to be. They don't have a fear of flying and they don't doubt that their parents can support them when they're back. They don't feel like they are being kept at bay, shipped off because its easier to pass the job onto someone else. They are leaving campus for a breath of fresh air, and I, even with the bribes and money, will still be breathing in the fact that I can't go home,can't leave the area, and won't see my parents till the school year is over. It is not something I would ever tell my parents, because both of them would deny it, saying I could have come home. It just wouldn't have been easy on them, and it's better if I stay at arms length. It's ok, I say, I get it. And I know how complicated it would be and I know how little I could do at home. But the fact that they will travel without me later this year and not give it a second thought is something I can't come to terms with. It's not a problem with money, it's not a question of time, but it is the "too much effort" for "too little results" and the fact that I make life complicated. So I'm staying on campus for the third week long break in a row and thinking maybe, just next year, they'll let me come too.