Friday, January 31, 2014

I am 19 going on 16

Dear 16 year old self,
I could never say with utmost certainty that life, in its entirety, get better. Because truthfully, I don't know. What I do know is that from then to now, it might get bad, but it doesn't get worse.  You will have ups and downs just like a cardiac monitor, but in the end your baseline will still be the same, and it will tell you that life just keeps on living.
Just in case you need more reassurance, here are a few things you should know.
  • The pain will go away. The aching in your back and chest and calfs will ebb and go away as you stop growing and your body stops changing. Birth control and plastic surgery will help with the pain in your chest. Even you neck pain will fade. Try massage therapy.
  • You will get over him. You will stop being scared in the middle of the night and stop wishing you were dead or hidden and sooner or later you will realize that it was a growing experience, a hard trial that you should not be ashamed of, because no matter what you've been told, you had little control over it, and they should have told you up front the dangers of playing with fire. If they did, then they should have told you differently, because no teenager wants to be told no unless they don't realize that that's what's being said. You are stronger now, smarter and more willing to listen to advice (if equally as stubborn) and it will never leave you but that can be good, eventually.
  • Don't be afraid of who you are. Stop fighting what you know in your heart might be true because those people to whom it matters most won't care. No, I don't mean mom and dad, but your sister and future friends will accept your choices to be who you are, and sooner or later (it's still later at this point) mom and dad will grow into the idea. That just means that you have to, first. 
  • You will find best friends. You will find people who love you and care for you, who know your quirks and peeves and appreciate you just the same. Some might make you crazy and some might leave for a time, but know sooner or later you will find people who make you feel like you
  • Listen to people when they tell you to exercise. I know it's cold but you'll venture south eventually, and until then ride a bike outside. 
  • Read more. You will find books that take you away from the world, but unlike TV when you pull your head up for air you will feel better about yourself and the world around you, and life won't seem so bad.
  • Never talk about anything mildly serious after nine pm. Trust me, it never does any good. 
  • Forgive people. Don't forget what they've done or sweep in under the rug, but acknowledge that it was a mistake, or it was done with the best intentions (hopefully) and that because they are human they, as well as yourself, are not perfect. Breath, and learn to let it go, as much as you can. 
  • Don't try and force it with her. You will fight and not get anywhere, scream and never be heard, cry until you can cry no more but she will never fully understand. She will love you and care for you and try and be there for you but ultimately you are two very different people. As soon as you realize that, life with her will get better. Try writing down what you are feeling, she is more visual and does better with lists. Love her, don't let her out of your life, but remember that not every movie is Freaky Friday. 
  •  
That's all the advice I can give you, because other than that I might change time, but hey, at least you know the gist of what happens, right?

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Five People Who Should Show Up At My Door

Sometimes, right before I fall asleep, I imagine that someone's just knocked on the door, and I picture, in my mind's eye, who and why that could be. Every time except one I've imagined it (thank you, random drunk guy, for breaking my heart that night), but what if I didnt, who would be on the other side.

5. I've been friends with Dylan for almost six years now, since the summer of 2009, and yet I've only spent a collective two weeks with  him. It's strange really, but I feel like the more I get to know him via Skype, phone calls, texts and IM, the more I feel like I'm missing out on a really great tactile friendship. No matter how many times I've tried getting down there in the last two years, either I don't have the money or the time or even just a ride to the airport (the taxi cab would have thrown the whole equation off), and sooner or later I feel I'm going to miss my window of being young and spontaneous and a little bit stupid.

4. Hannah Smith, in no way is your place at number four any reflection on your personality or our relationship. In fact, if you are reading this right now, remember to write me a letter, then check your mailbox, in that order. You remind me of summer and christmas at the same time, and I would love it if you were to apparate outside my door. You are four on this list because well, I've seen you this month. And I still have a lasting impression of what we did this christmas, and all the delicious things we made appear.

3. Hi Lilly. I miss you. I have this fantastic idea that you will bring me stories and presents and make beehives with me this summer, and yet I can't be too patient, after all this is me, and sometimes I imagine waking up on Tuesdays and nearly fainting with excitement to tell you what day it is, but it's not you. I want you to show up at my door in your amazing, memorable outfits that honestly I can't get over (I love them so much) and be incredibly excited its Tuesday and there are people to be seen and mayhems to be had.

2. This one, I'm a bit hesitant about. Sam if you showed up at my door, I'd have most of my mind to never let go and the other part to punch you. But mostly, I'd be happy you remember where I lived or where I went to school or took the time to find out, and come. It's one of my more fantastic hopes and dreams...

1. Behind door number one we have the traveler who not only guessed the list but also put them in order. Rarely have I been so impressed at mind-reading. Showing up outside my door would mean what, I don't know, but somehow I still imagine you flying back for the goodbye I feel you deserved and I didn't give you. I wanted to make you cake. Anyways, Alicia Miller, July 17th is too long, so at least show up at my virtual door and skype me. 

I want the surprise of a lifetime, someone who loves me enough to show up at my door with no warning and no planning, knowing that because of who we are and how our relationship works I will invite them in and make the bed for however many nights they may want or need it. This is not to say I want someone to murder someone else and need a safe house while I harbor a fugitive, but I would for the right person and hey it makes a great story.